BCT

  So I am now IN THE ARMY.  Ahhhh!  Part of me is crazy, part of me is completely insane.  I'm very nervous about basic training, and since I had complications with my last MOS contract, i have to pick a new one.  I have NO IDEA what I am going to do as a job, or when I will leave.  I am going to try and leave as soon as I can, and just get this over with. 

Going Nowhere.

Why does the human mind confuse us so much?  Why can't someone who wants to think normally, just do it?  What is the key to the puzzle that I'm missing?  I mean, I obviously must have missed something growing up that every one else seems to have.  And I have no idea what that is.

Ex's.

I get one of two feelings when I see an ex get a new girlfriend, a) jealous or b) nonchalant.  And lately, I haven't been giving a FUCK.  Maybe because I just don't care about being with someone as much anymore, or they were never really that important in the first place.  I always look at them and think "Man, I can do better."  Am I crazy?  I guess the truth is, I don't really want anybody like that anymore.  I can't think of anyone I would drop everything for just to be their girlfriend.  Nobody! 

Girlpower!

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I still lived in Michigan.  Although it was far away from my parents, and most close friends, the life and routine I had there was different than I have today.  I miss it, I truly do.  You know when you were younger you couldn't wait to be older?  And when you're older you wish to be younger?  Yeah, that's me today. 

Old Flame.

So last night I had the freaking time of my life.  But it's so WRONG.  And I'll tell you why.

Zac has always been in and out of my life.  I first met him at a friend's house when I was 16, and immediately there was attraction.  Problem was, I was dating Robert, and it was serious.  Well needless to say, I fell for Zac and ended it with Rob to be with him.  Zac was completely shut off by this idea and after some unfortunate circumstances, it ended.  Now you would think that would be it for him in my life, but nooooo, it gets worse.  He is in the same friend circle I am so I see him alll the time.  About a half a year later, we become just "fuck buddies".  And we all know that that NEVER works out.  I still had feelings, and I know he was shoving his deep down inside.  As the years progress on, random encounters with Zac occur, but nothing substantial. 

Well last night, he picked me up from my house.  We watched a movie, goofed around, picked up some friends and went to the bar later that night.  After a few beers and a couple shots, we're both tipsy.  That's when it all happened.  I don't think I need to even explain more, but it was like we never were apart.  Now, laying in bed, I'm cursed once again.  We will never have a relationship.  It is a shame to put such chemistry to waste, but we both know it will never happen.  The timing or circumstance will never be right.  And that's why it's bad.  I hate having my mind on someone and having butterflies in my stomach and getting cases of the smiles for someone that I can't have a future with.  But I know the feelings will go away, they always do.  I just thought I'd write about them today.

Last night.

So last night one of my friend's came to pick me up to go play pool and have drinks.  Drinks on him.  So, I'm always cool with free booze, so it started out pretty well.  Needless to say, my friend had been drinking before he picked me up and I noticed more and more as the night progressed.  I see an old coworker across the bar and ask him to give me a ride home rather than my drunk friend.  He agreed and took me home later that night. 

The point of the story is, I feel guilty!  I feel bad like I broke my friend's feelings for having someone else drive me home and not giving him a ride too.  I would have but he is the kind of guy that wont let you stop him from driving, so I didn't try.  I just didn't want to put myself in that dangerous position.  Why would my "friend" put me in that position?  See, I feel guilty, and at the same time I'm kinda pissed that he'd do that to me. 

Either way, I made it home safe and smart.

Neat day.

Today was a kinda neat day.  I mean, it started out pretty boring (laundry, cleaned the kitchen, dyed my hair), but it ended kinda cool.  I had coffee with a friend I hadn't talked to since my senior year of high school.  It was pretty neat catching up, and realizing how much things have changed......or not changed at all.


The day isn't over yet, but I just wanted to say that today was pretty cool.